Letters to Stupid People

Clearly, I have been slacking on this blog.  I wish I had more time in the week, or more motivation/dedication/will power to sit myself down and legitimately post something here week after week, but I didn’t, and therefore, this letter is to myself.

Dear Simon,

You fucked up with this blog and many stupid people are running wild while not in check.  If you don’t point em out and embarrass them, who will?

Get off your ass, find em, and classify them for the dumbasses that they are.

The world needs you.

With love,
Yourself.

This is how it looks like when two people take up six seats.

Dear dumbasses on the 7 train (more specifically, the lady hogging up four seats by herself),

I’m fairly confident you’ve heard about the whole…”Get Your Damn Bags Off The Seats So People Can Sit Down” Law, right?  It was one of those rules inserted into the MTA rules and guidelines a few years back.  It’s not hard to follow.  I think it goes that if an officer sees someone clogging up subway seats with their crap, they get a ticket.  Similar to drinking out of an open bottle or lighting another passenger on fire or something, chances are you’re getting in trouble.

Well, it’s cause of assholes like you that we have these rules.  The general public gets completely fucked over cause some dumbass blew his fingers off while holding on to a lit firecracker, and guess what?  No more fireworks for the public.  I appreciate it!  When assholes like you decide to do something utterly retarded like dump your entire living room on a subway bench, we get the brunt of the punishment.  We get more rules and guidelines shoved down our throat because you two don’t feel like holding your personal items between your legs.

Quite frankly, you can take that any which way you’d like.

If you were high school kids, I might understand it, cause you could just be idiots who’ll end up flipping burgers and dunking their fingers in the fry-o-lator in a few years, not to knock burger-flippers in general, cause for the most part, you do a really good job.

You two appear to be adults who should know better.  Are you germaphobes?  Are you afraid to put your bags on the floor?  If you are, you should be terrified of the germs in your everyday train car and shouldn’t be riding it anyways.

Just my two cents…which I should throw at you.

With love,

Simon

Surprise surprise, it happened on the E train again.

A man in a wheel chair comes aboard from the previous car.  He’s sporting two stumps for legs, and for the record, this post isn’t dedicated to him, not one bit.  The reason I bring this person up is because of what he did, and what the general response to his action.  When he wheeled himself inside the car, he shook his cup.

He said nothing, but shook his cup, and wheeled himself down the car.  He didn’t open his mouth once, nor did he have a sign, or some sort of visual message, aside from the fact that he was in a wheelchair and he was missing his legs.

He shook his cup over and over again, and it was obvious there was change inside of it.  People, sensing this, reached into their pockets and gave him change, even though he didn’t ask them for it, or even thanked them afterwards.  He wheeled himself to the next car, never to be seen by my eyes again.

Dear random people on the E train,

I’m not condoning you for contributing to a….seemingly “poor man’s” budding fortune.  What I want to know is “When the hell did all of you get so conditioned that the jingling of a cup causes your brains to force hands to reach in your pockets, wallets, book bags, fanny packs, or whatever, to reach in, grab a handful of metal or green paper, and throw it in said jingling cup?”

He didn’t ask.  Chances are that he just wanted to make some noise, or he knew that many of you are just conditioned to give money to the poor/unfortunate whenever/wherever you see them.  What the hell happened that this behavior is accepted, and when someone jingles a cup, it becomes obligation to contribute to its contents?

Clearly, I’m not as stark raving mad as I normally am, but I’ve just wanted an answer to this for quite some time.  I felt like now would be a good time to ask.

With love,

Simon

Dear creative team, or marketing team, or whoever’s bright idea this was,

...Really?

Dear ranting guy on the E Train today,

NO ONE ASKED YOUR OPINION.  No one cares about your conspiracy theories, about Satan’s plans to counterfeit all that is good and holy, or what your slanted views of religion mean to the public.  The train is not a church.  People do not ride the train in the hopes of finding some opinionated jackass pacing up and down while yelling and screaming.  No one wants that.  You need to shut your mouth, or at LEAST find a stationary position outside somewhere so people can have the opportunity to walk away from you without the risk of getting a ticket for crossing between train cars.

I’m sure you made sure there was no police officer in that car, cause there is no doubt in my mind that you would have been detained for being a public nuisance.

I am so thankful that I wasn’t the only person yelling at you, and I’m ecstatic that someone else carried on the anti-bullshit counter-argument because your statements and your ranting were defaming a widely known and followed religion just to further your own point.

I have never before shouted at someone ranting for preaching on a train before.  If I ever see you again, and you intend to repeat yourself, I am sure it won’t be the last time.

Without love,

Simon

McDonald's has this effect normally.

If there was a way to make a subway car floor stickier, these bastards sure have found a way.

• Sleeping on a train?  OK!
• Drinking on a train?  OK!
• Sleeping on a train while holding a cup filled with liquid?  No, it’s not ok,  you stupid jackass.

I don’t understand what compels someone (the person on the left all comfortable and shit) to not put your cup full of sugary crap down before you drop  it during your McDonald’s induced coma.  I mean, look at the picture; the person took the time to get nice and relaxed and comfortable while hogging up a few seats, I can only imagine the logical thing would be to put the cup down under your seat.  Right?

Probably not.

/facepalm goes here.

Best part was the person woke up right after dropping the cup and feeling all that sugary crap drench his (or her, I really don’t know) shoes.  Why I decided to post this was what happened afterwards.  The cup, which originally was right next to the person’s shoe, was kicked into the place featured in the picture, and left there for the duration of my train ride.  The person immediately went back to sleep after kicking it.

Thank you for making mine, and everyone else’s shitty little train ride even worse.  It was great watching a dozen people all simultaneously pick their feet up and hide their belongings from the wave of crap flowing towards them.

I hate you.  So much.

To the jackass who turned the subway car floor into the likes of a $6 movie theater’s floor,

You are a fucking moron and I hope for some reason, no matter how much your shoes stuck to the floor after that liquid dried, you slipped and landed face-first into it.

Have the common fuckin’ decency to clean up after yourself when you make a mess, and no, you are not exempt from making SOME effort to better the situation.  Pick up the cup, hold on to that garbage until you get off the train.  Don’t kick your shit underneath the seats and go back to sleep.  This is not your fucking house.  I don’t care Big Mac containers or French Fry sleeves you’ve got under the cushions, when you’re on a train, take your crap with you.
I don’t even care that you took up three seats.  This is New York.  I’m used to seeing someone hogging up half a row.  I’m not used, nor will I ever be used to seeing someone completely demolish the floor and then kick the debris aside.

I hate you.  So much.

With love,

Simon V

At least this didn’t occur on the E train.

Clearly, plastic forks are a luxury.

So here’s what I don’t understand.  How hungry do you have to be to carry a can of fish onto a subway car and decide it’s appropriate to have snacktime surrounded by other passengers?

Now, I’ve seen people eat while riding the train countless times.  I’ve done it myself.  Most people I know have done so themselves.  Who in the right mind opens a can of fish and decides it’s best to eat it with your fingertips?

I’ve never been so repulsed by anything on a train before, and anyone who has spent any time on the E train in New York knows how bad some homeless people can smell, but witnessing this man open this thing, and then bring it up to his lips as if he’s either A) about to drink the delicious fish juice inside, or B) savoring in the aroma of sardines and sweaty combat boots.

Now I want you to understand something.  I’m part Philippine.  In this culture, eating with your fingertips is normal.  I know, it’s not exactly the most hygienic method of food-to-mouth transportation around, but hey, it works for them.  The thing is, this occurs at the dinner table, not on a crowded train.

Doesn't it look tasty? He should pour tartar sauce in his left hand and dip it in.

Oh lawdy did us, the spectators, stare in horror when he brought up that can to his lips.  It was almost as if we all put on our “What-the-f—are-you-doing?” face at the same exact time.  I’ve never been so connected to a crowd of strangers in all my life.

What pissed me off was after he was done, he took the can (after deciding not to drink the delicious fish nectar left in the can), walked over to the side door, opened it, and chucked the can out onto the tracks.  He then proceeded to sit down and mop up fish sauce that landed on the floor and bench with napkins that I did not see how he disposed of them…and I was looking.  I literally do not know what he did with these napkins, and I’m quite repulsed at the idea of what he did with them.

This was, quite frankly, one of the most horrific train rides I’ve ever been exposed to, not counting the time the singing chicken guy followed me from train to train, but on the bright side, I could listen to that chicken song every day of the week.

Here’s my letter to you, oh lover of the aquatic.

To the can-o-fish eating stranger on the E train,

What in the f— are you doing and what in the f— is the matter with you?  There’s no way you seriously did that out of habit or anything, right?  Please tell me that was the first time you’ve ever done that and we were all captured on some terrible f—— hidden camera show, because that was the single, most disgusting act I’ve ever witnessed on a train, and I’m counting the times that A) I got mugged, and B) my friend had a bottle of soda poured on him by a “gangstah” wannabe.

Have you ever witnessed something so horrifying before in your long, can-o-fish eating life where your face literally froze in terror?  That’s how I felt watching you about to drink that fish sauce.  You’re probably wondering why the hell was I even looking?  How could anyone not look at you opening a can of fish of on the subway and proceed to eat it with your f—— fingers?  You don’t look homeless, use a fork.  Are you homeless?  I’ll buy you a whole f—— bag of plastic forks.

And what in the f— was that about with tossing the can on the tracks?  You stupid b——, what the f— is wrong with you?  Subway tracks are littered in enough s—, and you felt it was appropriate to throw fish sauce all over the f—— tracks?  Like the subway doesn’t smell like wet, soggy ass enough.

I want you to watch this and take notes.  Please, do it for all of us.

With love,

Simon V

This isn’t something I experienced myself, but something that was presented to a class of mine by my professor. 

According to this professor, who I shall not name, she was riding on a crowded bus when a woman boarded along with a stroller and her baby still inside.  The bus driver politely asked the mother to remove her baby from the stroller and to fold it up.  At this point, and I’m quoting my professor, the mother went “ballistic” and started shouting at the bus driver, screaming about how her baby is safer in the stroller, there weren’t any seats in order for her to sit down, hold the baby and fold up the stroller, and all this was accompanied by other statements and shouting. 

At this point, the mother realized that the bus wasn’t moving.  She proceeded to ask the driver if the driver was waiting for her, which he politely told her that it was a policy to fold up strollers when riding the bus.  So more shouting and screaming occurred, which was followed by people offering their seat to her, and which was then followed with her caving, folding up the stroller, and sitting herself down.

Now, at this point, someone in the back of the bus shouted out that something along the lines of “That’s them bus drivers, always trying to make life harder for everyone else.”  Seriously?  F— that guy.

When the lady signaled for her stop, the bus driver allowed her to set up her stroller and place her baby inside for she exited the bus.  When she walked towards the front door, she, once again, went “ballistic,” shouting for the bus drivers name, badge number, and information so she could file a complaint.

Here are some possibly important things to note: 

• It was cold outside.  The driver allowed the mother to place the baby back inside the carriage inside the bus to keep the baby out of the cold.
• Not once did the bus driver raise his voice or act inappropriately.
• The mother was, according to my professor, caucasian and in her 20′s.
• The driver was, according to my professor, black and in his 30′s.
• It is a known policy that strollers must be folded when riding the bus, especially if the bus is crowded, like it was in this situation.

I wish I could have seen these events play out for myself.  Personally, I believe the mother is seveeeerely in the wrong.  Also, if I was the bus driver, I would’ve kicked the commenting guy out at the next stop.

Here’s my letter:

To the angry lady on the bus,

I did not see you for myself, but I think you’re full of s—.  Your baby is safer in a stroller?  A wobbly stroller on a packed bus?  Let’s say someone is moving towards the exit, trips, and falls all over the stroller that’s taking up the entire aisle.  Guess what?  Baby pancake.  Those strollers aren’t made of steel or anything, you moron.  If you aren’t sure you can keep your baby safe in your own two arms, you probably shouldn’t have one. 

Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you?  I can only hope there is a recording of that bus ride, so when you make your complaint, and they look at the footage, more people get to see what a dumbass you are.  I hope that bus driver remembers who you are and drives right by you the next time you’re waiting at the bus stop, or at least splashes you with puddle water.  If the baby’s got a plastic covering, it’ll be no harm done to him/her.  I can only wonder if your baby will take after you.  I would love to see you get arrested.  It’ll be like the show, Cops, just in front of my face and twice as hilarious.

With love,
Simon

These are the original letters I wrote back when the concept for this blog popped into my head, and this was well before I decided on the topic for this blog.  These two letters were written back to back, addressing two seperate people during the same train ride back in January. 

So you’re walking down the street and you turn the corner.  What do you see?  Is it:

• A person, in jeans and a t-shirt, walking past you?
  -OR-
• A beared lunatic ranting and raving in his underwear about the rising costs of cardboard?

So you’re on a train.  You’re iPod just died and there’s a person banging rhythmically on the pole next to you, except it’s not a steady beat.  Not only that, but the person is rapping, and it sounds horrible.  Your ear twitches with every bang on the pole and you can’t take another phrase about how good it feels to be a “gangsta” when the person is clearly not a “gangsta.”  Sure you could tell him or her to shut the hell up, but that could cause unnecessary conflict.  It’s all right though, you just got off at your stop, but you noticed the pissed off looks on the remaining passengers, the suckers.

So now what?  You’re frustrated, the person’s voice is drilled in your head, and chances are, you’re gonna piss everyone off today by talking about your train ride. 

Vent here.  This site is dedicated to bashing these people who harm more than help, who waste more than contribute, and who more than likely deserve to get laughed at.

Now before anyone states that I’m on a “Holier-than-thou” trip, I can assure you that the majority of the population has endured at least one moment in time when they’ve noticed someone acting…stupidly.  All this site does is address it.

Also, bacon is delicious.  If you’re a vegetarian, I feel bad for you.

- Simon